So during my recent last minute time away, staying in a cabin in the bush, down the coast, I made it a plan to make this trip more than just isolation from society, but also a time to sort out all the thoughts occupying my brain and evidently making it hard for me to just focus and be intentional in between every day life.
That meant it was time for another psychedelic restoration. I’ll make future posts about psychedelics in detail. Different dosages, first timer tips, how to plan the day, the difference between a fun time with friends and something more therapeutic like this, also my advice for taking it with people versus in solitude, etc, etc…
I had made up my mind that for therapeutic reasons, being completely isolated and away from my every day life, this was the optimal opportunity to get the most out of it. Coming out the other end, I can honestly say I got more than I expected out of it and feel like a better version of myself already [and hopefully I can stay true to my promises to myself and keep growing in that].
As I mentioned in my previous post about staying in the cabin, insignificant things like driving, house chores, regular interactions, that all add up can become a distraction. Of course these things are not bad, they’re just every day life things but if you have goals you are trying to work towards, its easy to lose focus. I think I’ve learnt that I have to treat my long term goals like a job. In the sense that I actually have to put specified time and attention toward it instead of it just being something I fantasise about.
I made a list when I arrived at the cabin of all the stuff floating around my mind, that I wanted to leave the cabin having a new perspective on. As well as re-spark my motivation for creativity. By Sunday [when I had planned to take shrooms], I was about 60hours into a food fast. This was an unrelated plan but somehow worked out and I believe assisted in the effects. Like I mentioned in the last post, I will make a seperate entry about why I do a long fast and the benefits of when our body goes into a state of autophagy. If you knew how badly I abuse my body with food, you’d understand my motivation behind it. Its like if smokers could basically reverse some effects of long term smoking by doing a prolonged smoke fast, they’d be silly not to do it right? This is basically my reasoning behind it…
The Magic Tea
Okay so you’ve probably wondered how much I took. The answer is a bit up in the air as these little fungi apparently belonged to a very weak batch, according to two sources I don’t actually know but reported back. I brought with me, 5 grams from this batch. Now 5g is what some call the heroic dose and apparently sends you into oblivion. Now I do not recommend anyone who hasn’t tried shrooms before to go ahead and have this much. Mind you this is only the third time I have even had this many BUT I have had several experiences with smaller doses as well as other psychedelic trips on LSD. So I can honestly say I am quite experienced with them but more than anything, I know myself very well and I trust myself enough to know how to navigate me and my surroundings while under the influence. Keeping in mind that this was a “weak” batch anyway, I didn’t mind taking the full 5 grams and expecting the effects of say 3.5g. Even that is a respectable amount for the journey I longed for this weekend. Either way, I got to the state I needed to be in and wanting to go any “further” is a fool’s chase to no end.
After breaking my fast [as I mentioned in the ‘cabin by the river down the coast’ post] and brewing the mushrooms instead of eating them, mainly because I felt that my liver trying to breakdown the contents of dried up plants was probably a lot for it to handle after almost a few days of no food but also apparently brewing them in boiling water like a tea [which I did mix with tea to try help with the foul taste, but evidently I still had to chug it down like it was Polyjuice Potion], it makes the effects more potent. So because it was now a liquid and not something I’d have to wait for my body to digest and break down, the effects were coming on fast. At this point I was already on my way to the river bank with no one else in sight and the sun blazing, bouncing it’s rays off the cool water as I walked through the tall trees with my hat on, music playing, cup in hand and out of sight. Now it was staring…
The grass and bushes around me were slowly turning into a freshly painted canvas. The rugged edges of my surroundings were softening [as they always do] into a marshmallowy texture and everything from the roof of the sky to the furthest bend of the river I could see, suddenly zoomed in a little closer like my entire universe existed in a giant snow globe.
You sort of always know when the substances are about to take full effect and this is usually when your phone becomes almost unbearable to want to navigate. It turns into some cartoon block that your eyes and mind can’t comprehend. Like the antenna connecting you to it is going haywire and so its best to just disconnect the signal.
When I had arrived at the point furthest from the entrance and where I decided I would settle for the following events, it was time to turn my music off and just enjoy the sounds of nature. There is a time and place for music [especially on psychedelics] and in this planned solo trip and peak of its effects, this was the time to tune into what was around me. I could hear all sorts of wild animals in the trees opposite to the ones I was laying aside. The wind flying through the leaves every now and again would echo across the whole river, like the sound of a stampede was approaching in the distance. The occasional bird would dive down into the water and swoop out again after it got its refreshing cleanse. I could feel the warm golden sun kiss my skin as I settled on the floury bed of sand beneath me.
After taking who knows how long of a moment [time becomes basically obsolete], in pure tranquility and pleasure, I wanted to start thinking about the things, well, that I came here to think about… I described this experience like self therapy because that’s kind of what it ended up becoming. I would bring up a topic, maybe ask myself a question and the advice I could think back just made perfect sense.
Now couldn’t I conclude all of these thoughts without psychedelic assistance? Maybe! Personally, I just don’t think I can come up with the responses or alternate perspectives the same way my mind can when in this altered state. Sometimes the doubts and negativity or our ego is too loud to even let the thoughts pour out. One thing I noticed and took away, from while I was talking to myself on the sand while tripping, was I was really able to slow it all down. Not just letting my mind and thoughts go at the speed of light like they usually would, but actually articulating each thought. Understanding every word and therefore, question and response in full. It was also a nice reminder that there is time. I don’t have to rush to get every thought out and I don’t have to rush for a response and I definitely don’t have to rush towards my goals. As long as I am moving forward, there is an ongoing succession, no matter what speed. And that’s the most important thing. Sometimes, especially in a rush, its important to just take a breathe and say “there is time”. But don’t confuse this ongoing progress for excuses to procrastinate every now and again. This is not the same thing.
I referred back to the list I made at the cabin, with each important or prevalent aspects of my life, and thought about if I like the way they are, if I don’t, how do I change them, how I can be better and if I had any goal I intend to work toward, involving them. A lot of it was just a reminder to stop with my bullshit and already knowing what I have to do, it’s just actually making a change or figuring out how to implement one. Everyday you can tell yourself “yeah I’ll do it”, “eventually I’ll be better”, and all that jazz, but we’re human and we’re stupid and we don’t do it. Something about psychedelics and their creation of neuropathways somehow gives you that extra kindle to spark up your motivation and determination. You just have to keep that fire burning when the effects wear out.
Sometimes when you start coming down from the effects, when the normal distractions get a little louder, a fear pours over you that you’re going to forget this feeling, forget everything you’ve thought of and learnt and will go back to how you were. This is real but before getting to this stage, I thought about it while I was still laying in the sand, that regardless of the state im in, these thoughts all still came from me. They are all still in my brain whether on the surface or not. Even creative ideas that spring to me. I used to always get upset about forgetting my ideas once I was sober but I’ve realised now, all I have to do is try hard to remember. It wasn’t like the drug gave me the idea, it just helped it surface. Either way, I made sure when I got back to the cabin, to grab my notebook and pen and just dot point every thought I wanted to remember. Obviously the quicker I do this, the easier.
Primal instincts
A bizarre thing that happened while I was by the river, was I noticed my alertness and safety barriers were put up higher than usually. I mean, duh. My senses were heightened from the mushies but thing’s I wouldn’t normally be so cryptic to think about were cropping up. Like when I went to swim in the river, for some reason I was thinking about being cautious in case there were sea snakes or crocodiles. I’m not saying its a bad thing to think about but under different circumstances, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it and would have just jumped right in. And living in Australia, if I were to think about this every time I’m near a body of water, I’d spend half my life outside of it. Boring!
Another example: on my way to my sandy spot, I walked past some farmland and signs they had put out saying “aggressive bulls, do not come on property”, understandable for people to not trespass. But while I was tripping, I was thinking about situations in which I would come across a wild bull. Would I jump in the water and just swim as far as possible from the land? Surely no bull was actually going to come and attack me, but my defences were up and I was making calculated scenarios in my head in case the situation were to arise.
Then, being as it was a beautiful day and I surely couldn’t be that fortunate to have the river all to myself, a couple guys rode by on their jet ski’s and a man was fishing on a little dingy boat. Not at the same time, but they made there way by a couple times during my stay and my protective impulses started surfacing again. I was thinking about defensive procedures I’d take if any of these men came near me. How luckily due to the size of the lake, I would have enough time to back away and my first call of action would be to run toward the farm or to the people at the yoga retreat up the road. How insane is that! I know its a bit far fetched and these people were just enjoying the warm weather on the water as I was but I couldn’t help it. Being female, these thoughts are important to ponder anyway. I was also telling myself of course the person on the boat had to be a man, as women don’t tend to go off by themselves like that… then came to the realisation that it was definitely something I would do and in fact what I was doing as this thought came about!! This made me laugh as myself and calmed me down from my irrational thoughts.
As zoomed in as my big snow globe was, I was trying so hard to look at the face that belonged to the man fishing across from me on the opposite side of the lake. Just out of pure curiosity. I wanted to know if he was young or old, his ethnicity, if he was attractive, if he was looking at me. All the normal human thoughts. But because everything was still soft and cartoonish, I just couldn’t make out his face! Picture me squinting my eyes as if that’s going to make my world a little less trippy while on psychedelics! This also made chuckle at my ridiculousness…
Back to reality
As my little session was coming to an end and I indeed felt as though I learnt a lot about myself, had a better understanding for the world and how to progress in my journey of being a better version of myself and living this life to the fullest; the cartoon setting surrounding me was slowly transitioning back to life but remained soft edged and vivid. It was now time for music. I tend to go through stages with music and every genre or album or artist seems to soundtrack a particular timeframe or travel to look back on. In the cabin on the farm a year and a half ago, I was accompanied by none other than the sweet sounds of Jimi Hendrix, Billie Holiday and BB King. This time around, the soundtrack for my road trip down south was a lot of country and some country rock. Laying by the water on this hot spring day, I was feeling some Bishop Gunn. A country/rock band that has unfortunately discontinued. Gah damn a man can sing his heart out and rip into a string piece. These guys are my current favourite band and Chris Stapleton my favourite artist of this year, whom also is incapable or creating a bad track.
Just like your senses, thoughts, colours & food, music is so much better when you’re high. I was rocking out to the sweet sounds blaring from my phone and the only thing I could think of that would make my situation any better would be an ice cold beer or some fresh fruit. I unfortunately didn’t have either on me and so I settled for the sparkling water I packed – I know, wild one I am.
At this point when I had gone from a spiritual journey to now just a good ol’ time, I was thinking about the the guys on the jet ski’s and how damn jealous I was. First of all, I want one. Second of all, I so badly would love to be riding one of these on the water on a day like this. What a good time! And the silly defensive thoughts that were present only some moments ago were a distant one and I was now thinking about how if only the situation were reversed, it would be not so creepy or concerning if I were to ride up to them sitting on the bay of sand and ask if they wanted to ride on the back of my jet ski. And this is exactly why men and women are not the same and anyone who say’s otherwise is a fool.
I spent the rest of my time near the water, vibing out, dancing to the music, attempting a couple handstands on the uneven surface and used a stick to write “shaks was here” in the sand. Heh. When it felt like time to head to the cabin and enjoy the rest of the evening with a long shower, food and fire; I looked back at the place where I will always remember this day and peace’d out to the nature accompanying me.
I will make seperate entries about this form of “self therapy” anyway but what I will say is, any time you can take the time to isolate from every day life and refocus on goals is going to be beneficial. I’m going to give an arbitrary suggestion and say ideally once a year, depending on how chaotic your every day life is. But you have to hold yourself accountable and actually do the thing you’re setting out to do. Yes time off to chill out and relax is important too but be honest with yourself. If there’s something bothering you, thoughts that keep lingering in your subconscious or even the lack of any present or future goals; sit yourself down and ponder it out.
And if you struggle with goal setting, start by making ‘making goals” your new goal.
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